Day 270 - Looking back at living in community with 300+ volunteers for 2 months

My 2 months that feel like 2 years of life has come to an end. How was the experience and what did I learn?

“What the f*ck was that!?”, I hear a voice saying in my head in a kind of awe-struck shock-like state, as I’m on the train working my way down to mom’s place in Malmö.

Having now left and coming out of these past two months at Ängsbacka, I’m realizing what a crazy intense roller coaster tumbler ride it all has been.

Spoiler alert: I love roller coasters.

These two months feel like two years of life condensed and intensified. A life fully lived, fully expressed and felt.

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I’d like to share a little bit about Ängsbacka, because it really is such a special place.

It’s a conscious/sober course and festival center sitting on a farm, gardens, vast fields and dense forests in the middle of Sweden, with the capacity to host up to a thousand people at a time (including meal prep!).

At its core, a permanent community of around 50 people live and work there all year around, and during the summer season an additional 300 volunteers make themselves at home there.

Life during the summer runs in cycles with a number of festivals. For each festival close to a hundred facilitators arrive just before 200-600 participants. During my two months there were five festivals.

Many of the festivals are world renowned and people travel from all over the world to experience and expand personally within topics such as spirituality, music, sexuality, tantra, dance, and community. It’s a completely sober space with focus on community and gathering as one humanity.

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My reason for going there as a volunteer was to get away and live my own adventure and be part of a community, and to be of service. I needed to come back to myself and my own strength. And something to focus my attention on.

I didn’t care too much about the festivals, and ended up going to like one thing per festival, except for the music, dances and concerts. I can happily say that I got everything I wished for, and more.

Looking back at how I felt on my way there, I laugh at how I naively thought I would have my own life there and work on some projects and passions on the side. I had no idea how consuming life there would turn out to be, and just how strong of a bubble that was created.

In fact, most of the time, I felt as if the world and life there was all that existed, that’s how consuming and intense it could get. It made me present like never before, but it also made me way more sensitive to things happening there that could be perceived as more challenging or tough.

Group dynamics and core human fears and desires show up big time when entering an isolated community life like this. The fear of not making friends, of feeling alone. The desire to be liked, popular and to fit in. These are just some of them.

I was very aware of how powerful these dynamics are and made it a clear intention for myself to try to not be affected or swept away by them and just be myself. I think I did pretty well.

But I also think this is why a place like this offers so much personal growth. Because those core fears and desires are triggered on a regular basis with no place to escape or hide, but to meet and confront them, instead of being silently ruled by them.

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To be honest I have no idea how to summarize my experience during these two months that feel like two years in a letter. I tried to summarize what I experienced during a forest walk yesterday and it took over an hour.

It was incredibly intense. So rich with life. Humanity living without holding back, fully expressed, all emotions welcomed and encouraged, all together, as one. One tribe, one species.

I felt incredibly privileged to live in a place where I could go dance to epic music on my shift break, power nap to a Gong bath after lunch, have a sharing group every day, and tear up to world class musicians in concert at night.

I have felt SO much, in relatively little time.

I have been mirrored and appreciated in a way that has made me reawaken and remember who I really am, and why I am here. It has helped me feel powerful, shown me that I have so much to offer this world, and given me the confidence to do so.

I’ve had spiritual experiences, deep connections, brotherhood and many completely heart opening moments. Many of the days I’ve cried. Sometimes of pain, sometimes of love, sometimes of awe, sometimes of hope, sometimes of simple fatigue.

In my service as a barista I saw so much progress in my own ability to handle and stay mindful in stressful situations. I recognized a shift in my own prioritizations, and how nothing feels more important today than my own wellbeing. It made me feel a lot of love for myself.

My café shift team during the later half of the summer. 🥰

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So what did I actually learn?

Well, I learnt once again that people and people’s wellbeing and emotions is the most valuable asset and prio for any kind of organizing or operation. Observing and experiencing how the place is run and how the volunteers are managed, the organization sometimes felt like a hierarchical company rather than a community of equally valued and appreciated humans. It reminded me for my own future as a leader to double down on people’s wellbeing and inner world. Roles and hierarchy are illusions, we are all just equally human.

I learnt that time alone is no longer a status quo for me as it’s been for most of my previous life. I am nowadays more naturally drawn to spend basically all of my time with people and community, and that leaves a need for a more intentional approach to rest and processing. I am a highly sensitive and intuitive person and I needed way more time away from the “field” than I took. Slowly, I was getting more and more exhausted, overwhelmed and sensitive, until I actually had to leave one week earlier than planned because it all got too much in the end.

I learnt that I have the power and ability to create the kind of experiences and states that I desire (as do we all). To create experiences and moments that feel out of this world, magical and mystical, just by choosing how I view my experience, and what kind of energy and presence I put into them. That I can create awe-inducing moments of connection, just by how I show up in them and with other people.

I learnt that the intentions and guidelines I wrote for myself before going into this experience is really just as valid for life itself. Here, I’ll share them with you:

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Okay, I’m running out of energy here on the train so that’ll have to do.

I want to finish this letter by sharing one of my favorite moments this summer which was one of the most beautiful concerts I have ever witnessed by the artist FaceSoul.

My heart was so open I literally cried the entire concert, every single word and emotion in the song resonated so strongly. This man brought a completely new game to a stage. He showed up so real and authentic, there was such depth and reverence in what he was there to share, yet delivered with such playful lightness. It felt so inspiringly human.

One of my favorite songs and moments from the concert is called “Empowerment” which also became my key word for this summer. In most of the song he is not singing but speaking a profoundly important message to humanity (my perception).

I’d like to include the lyrics here and invite you to listen to the song as a way to finish this letter.

You might not have all the answers
We might not know which way to go
And you might stumble, trip and fall
But if you have faith, you'll make it through it all
You gotta believe we'll make it through
'Cause, tell me, what's the point in livin'
If we ain't close to the truth?

With hardship comes ease
Literally with hardship comes ease
And I think we know our lives have been far from easy
See, the journey we've gone on
The journey that we all go on, you can't put it into words
And what I've learned to realize is that all of us have undergone things in our lives that no one else will ever understand
And only our eyes have ever seen and only our hearts have felt that experience
As as result of it we can feel like we're alone on the journey
You know, a sense of direction's only us going
And in those moments it's hard to step forward and become somethin' better
But the reality of the situation is, in hardship we’re not alone
Everybody undergoes challenges
Everybody's gonna undergo difficulties, it’s the process of life
But when we realize that and we take steps forward
We can then attain a positivity and we can attain a beauty
That far precedes anything that we could have witnessed before
Fair enough our hardship we are all tied into
But the joy that we can attain can be unique for us all
And it's the realization of that can change the way that we live
Can change the way that we feel and the way that we experience life
And the thing is, we aren't just alone, we are life's longing for itself
So after us there will be life again
And the foundations that we put in place and the people that we choose to become, our children inherit
So I say it simply, proudly and truly: with hardship comes ease
And when we embrace that fact, the human spirit will always make it through
And in that this is my prayer for you, this is my wish for you
Have faith in the promise of life itself and you will continue and you will continue
just have faith and you'll make it through

All life goes in cycles. We all experience hardship. But with hardship comes ease. With hardship comes ease, and having faith in that makes us stronger, and makes life so much more beautiful.

Much love,

Philip