Day 123 - first month in Bali

Some of the biggest challenges, shifts and transmutations that I have ever experienced.

I want to start this letter by saying that I am so fucking proud of myself.

The past month has contained some of the biggest challenges, shifts and transmutations that I have ever experienced. I am so proud of how I have kept choosing love and kept being vulnerable, when facing challenge after challenge.

So much has happened within me since the last letter I don’t even know where to begin.

Very short practical update:

After Goa, me and my friend Simon spent five wonderful days in Singapore, but during this time I could also feel my levels of anxiety rising as I was now literally on my way to Bali, and it took me hours to fall asleep each night.

Then we flew to Bali and landed straight in our community villa outside of Ubud with 10 other friends from back home (Stockholm, Sweden).

After a week there, the group dissolved and me and Simon got a room in the center of Ubud for a few days. Then another group formed and we stayed 10 people in another villa for a week. Then I went to the north of Bali to attend the most transformative training I have ever experienced for a week, and after I stayed up north alone immersed in nature for four nights. After that I spent another week with people from that training living together outside Ubud. And now I’m back in the center of Ubud.

So.

I knew that arriving to Bali would be challenging which is why I had all those sleepless nights before coming here. But, it turned out to be even more challenging than I thought.

Quick recap:

The reason why it has been challenging is because my ex has been living here since early fall last year and while we maintained a very close and emotional connection (we separated physically but not emotionally) she connected with another man here, which was very difficult for me to handle because of the state I was in (burnt out and depressed alone back in Sweden).

I needed a complete break of contact as I started my own journey and traveled to India at the end of December.

I still think this was needed for my own foundational wellbeing, but it also made the whole situation more dramatic and traumatic.

Then, 20+ friends from back home were all coming to Bali feb-mar, and those are practically all shared friends of ours, meaning we would see each other here a lot.

I debated a lot with myself whether it would be right or not for me to come here or if I should stay on my own journey in India. The realization that the motivation for staying in India was based to a large extent in fear and to some extent from my shadow behavior of victimizing myself, I knew I had to go.

Arriving in Bali

The moment I arrived in Bali a well of emotions came up within me. I realized how when leaving for India, I had pushed the pain away, distracting myself with the teachings and learnings there. But the emotions were still there in my body.

The first few days, I felt overwhelmed with ego-protecting emotions. I felt anger, unfairness, and I was blaming someone else for my emotional state. I was really struggling to accept that the Bali experience with friends that I’ve been dreaming about was not as I had expected or hoped it would be.

I was in an absolute dream house, immersed in beautiful nature, surrounded by rice fields, with 11 good friends and community, yet I could not enjoy it, or be myself, because I was so drenched in these heavy emotions.

Finally after a few days I started to accept that this trip would be different from what I had hoped, and something eased up a bit.

I was reminded of how dangerous it can be to be attached to strong expectations and how it’s a constant practice to accept every situation I am in.

I’m proud of how courageous I still was by staying with my emotional experience instead of escaping from it, and for how transparent I was to my friends about my state and how I even asked for help and support (historically a big challenge for me to do).

To be honest, I don’t think there could be a better space in the entire world for me to go through something like this, and I am so so grateful I got to spend that first week here in that safe and supporting environment.

The group and house from that first week in Bali.

However I knew that in order to set myself free, I needed to transmute these lower frequency emotions of anger, unfairness and resentment into acceptance and love.

Here’s an excerpt that I wrote that first week here in Bali:

“I’m starting to realize that this was all meant to be and happen in this way. Arriving here to Bali and having to face all of these wounds, pains and fears has cracked me open. I’m emotional, I’m fragile and I’m open and receptive. I’m motivated to change my state and circumstances. I’m motivated to grow and shift my perspective and being. 

I’m starting to see this situation that I’ve been rejecting and fearing and pushing away, as a gift. I am right now in a situation where all of my shadow sides, wounds and deep rooted existential fears are at the surface of my awareness. They’re literally right in front of me and I’m staring them in the face. they’re accessible, they’re tangible in the form of practical events and situations, I can see them clearly and that allows me to work with them. 

So ironic how I thought my healing journey would be in places of light and love, and that I would feel states of bliss and inspiration. And here I am, deep in darkness almost buried in all of my pain, fears and shadows and have to fight my way to the surface and to the light. When I made this realization I almost laughed out loud. Of course this is how real growth and transformation looks like. It’s dark and heavy, and excruciatingly painful, but I know that the freedom and peace on the other side of this will be worth it.“

One of my friends in that first house is an expert in the wisdom of Human Design and Gene Keys (extremely fascinating framework, highly recommend studying it as a way to get to know yourself deeper).

My perspective on all of these things related to astrology is that it doesn’t even matter if it’s actually true or not, what matters is how and what resonates with me when I take in the information. That becomes my truth.

The first thing I read was that the framework of the Gene Keys showed me that my biggest shadow is pride. This made me accept that the concept of ego and pride might be a bigger challenge for me than for most other people. This actually made me feel less shame and made me want to give myself more love and support for this part of me. What it means for me is that in pressured, stressful or painful situations my response is a more activated ego as a response to protect myself. And pride is an expression of ego. I can really feel this when I experience pain or hurt, that my pride just want to hold on so strongly to my own emotional experience, it just needs to be right so badly, and it needs to feel validated in its experience.

I am noticing right now as I write that I am writing “it” instead of “my pride”, and a feeling of proudness comes up. I’ve come a long way already by being able to see and recognize this behavior as a shadow side of my personality and not who I truly am.

During these first days, I could feel my hurt inner child having a massive tantrum in feeling all of this pain but not getting any external validation for it. No one else accepting the blame for it.

I think the Gene Keys helped me see this shadow side almost as a different entity or energy inside of me. That, together with some incredibly wise words from my ex in the right moment when I was open to receive them (thank you 🙏), just created a switch within me.

It was an afternoon in the pool at the villa, and I was resting my arms on the edge, gazing out onto the ricefields, and I just took a decision from a place so deep within me, I knew it would be a huge shift for me.

They say that change can take years to create, but it happens in a moment.

This was that moment for me.

It was a moment where I saw all my shadows, wounds and fears clearly, as if they were presented on a table in front of me, and where I recognized that they were not who I am, they just live within me as artefacts of all the beautiful experiences I’ve had the privilege to experience in this lifetime (and maybe other lives). And I immediately started to feel so much compassion and love for myself and for those parts.

I realized how they had been controlling and impacting my emotional state and life experience, and I decided then and there that I am stronger than my fears. I decided then and there that from now on, I choose “the path of love” which for me means to act and live from a heart-centered place of love instead of letting my fears and shadows control my experience, emotions and behavior. And I knew that this was not a decision taken in my head, it was a deep rooted decision taken by my entire being. I knew this was a permanent shift and me choosing a different way to live.

After this moment, everything changed.

With the strength and support of the community around me, I reached the invaluable insight/reminder that the only way to overcome our fears or pain is to turn towards them.

I had this strong visualization come up in my mind where I am fearfully running away from something chasing me (my fears, shadows, pain), and when I look at the wall beside me I see the shadow of a huge scary dragon chasing me. But then I manage to gather enough courage to stop and turn around, and see that it is just a small cute ghecko wanting my attention. The light just made the shadow appear as a big dragon.

And when I realized that this little creature just wanted to be seen, all I could feel was compassion and love towards it = such high frequency emotions that the previous lower frequency emotions of fear and anger just faded away.

This visualization and metaphor landed so powerfully in me that it became my mission to transmute all my difficult emotions into compassion and love, by turning towards and befriending my wounds, pains, shadows and fears, instead of avoiding or running away from them.

I immediately knew what I had to do.

The day after I went to a yoga class hosted by the man that my ex connected with.

I was nervous and sitting on a lot of anticipation before from not knowing how it would feel and how I would react, but this metaphor of the dragon and the ghecko was with me so clearly that I knew that all I needed to do was to turn towards the experience, embrace it and connect to the love within me.

I knew I had to go all in.

So, I put my mat down right in front of him, not proudly but decisively, and I opened myself up to fully receive him and his class. I was amazed by how present I was, and throughout the class I was sending him love and wishing him well. Afterwards, I went up to him to shake his hand, befriend him and show him gratitude for the class.

This changed everything.

It was never about him, or that my ex was with him. This was an event that represented me turning towards and befriending my pain, fears and shadows.

I’m actually so grateful that there was an opportunity to do that so practically and somatically.

My incredible friend Gonzalo supported me in such an amazing way in this process. I felt like this was something I needed to do on my own, but it felt good to have someone there in case I really couldn’t handle it. So, we went to the class separately without speaking, him at the back of the class while I was at the front. We never spoke or looked at each other, but I could feel his energetic support and presence in the room. Afterwards, when I came out of the class he was standing there with open arms with a fresh juice and a date ball. The whole event was such a gigantic success and relief for me I almost fell into his arms and started crying hysterically, as he just held me. I think it was one of the most empowering and proud moments of my life.

Me and Gonzalo after that class. ❤️

After that, I felt so much strength building up within me.

I became very confident and wanted to continue on this journey of overcoming the pain, shadows and fears. I asked my ex if she wanted to go with me to one of his classes, thinking this would be the next level of challenge to overcome. It almost felt like a computer game, like Super Mario where I was leveling up and each level had a boss to conquer.

Unfortunately, seeing and feeling the energy of them together after the class was too much for my nervous system and I unfortunately regressed a lot. It made it all feel so real, when it before was just in my mind. I had taken on a bit too much.

The week after that was very very challenging. This week all my closest friends and my ex were all staying in the same house, and it was also a religious holiday here where the whole island is shut down and people are not even allowed to leave the house. I had to choose between being isolated alone or seeing her all the time.

I started feeling weaker again, and I noticed both my shadows of victimizing myself coming back in full force, as well as my attachment to the relationship coming back and growing stronger.

I had transmuted all the difficult emotions, but left was a fully opened heart, with what seemed like unlimited love. It was a week of feeling constantly heart broken.

Then came the week-long training that turned EVERYTHING around.

I am not ready yet to share about it so I’m hoping there will be an upcoming letter with more details, because this was one of the most life changing experiences I’ve had with so much wisdom and deep healing.

They say that when you have strong or impactful experiences, especially somatic or altered states, it is advisable to wait 2-3 weeks with putting a definite story to it. Once we put words and a story on top of it, and especially if we share it with others, it limits what the experience can be and mean by making it definite. Also, if we share with others, their reactions and response can impact our process of sense-making and integrating the experience in ways that could be limiting or negative. So, I’ve come to learn that it is good to just sit with the experience for some time, journal a lot, and wait a bit with putting a definite story to it.

What I can say though is that I’ve never felt more like a man than I do right now. I feel so powerful within, but also so grounded and safe and comfortable in my own skin. My heart is open, I feel so much love and compassion. I am even more present than usual, my connection with my body is A LOT stronger, and I feel so much love for myself.

I am currently living my life more from a place of observation. Of observing myself experiencing things, thoughts and emotions. I witness how things or situations that would earlier trigger a challenging emotion, simply arise in a way where I can meet it with compassion and choose to respond to the situation, person or myself, from a place of love.

It makes me feel emotionally resilient. It makes me feel free, which is ultimately what I am looking for. Freedom from the fears, pains, wounds, shadows and patterns that limit me from living in my full expression and to be the creator of my own reality. Freedom from these create more space within for more presence and love to root, in order for me to see things for what they actually are, and to live awakened to the realization of how precious and sacred it is to be alive.

With devotion to life itself,

Philip